I'm good enough, smart enough and dog gone it, JESUS loves me!

If you're struggling with self-confidence, have a low self-esteem, or just feel bogged down that you don't have a place in this world and that no ones wants you... well the bad news is that you probably feel this way because you are looking for approval in all the wrong places.  Jesus died for us.  God, the god who create the blue sky, the atmosphere and the ozone layer that allows us to breath fresh air, the stars in the sky, the planets and galaxies light years away, each bright green blade of grass, the cool breeze, the warm sand, the towering mountains, this God believes in you and thinks you are his PRIZE creation.  He took extra care in designing you to be just the way you are.  Psalm 139 says:


¹³ For you created my inmost being;
   you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
   your works are wonderful,
   I know that full well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
   when I was made in the secret place,
   when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed body;
   all the days ordained for me were written in your book
   before one of them came to be.

God, the FATHER, the CREATOR, the LORD of the ALL CREATION, thinks you and I are someone worth dying for.  That means we're pretty Special.  

I'm gonna let it SHINE!

Addison Road is a fairly new contemporary Christian Band, but they have some amazing songs, with some great lyrics.  I've liked this song from the first time I heard it.

Here are the lyrics:

There's a little flame inside us all
Some shine bright
Some shine small
The rains will come
And the waters rise
But don't you ever lose your light


In this life you will know
Love and pain
Joy and sorrow
So when it hurts
When times get hard
Don't forget whose child you are


This little light of mine
I'm gonna let it shine
This little light of mine
I'm gonna let it shine
Gonna let it shine


May you live each day
With no regret
Make the most of every chance you get
Let your eyes get wide
When you look at the stars
With the same sense of wonder as a child's heart


With the ones you love-
Treasure the time
And for those who are gone
Keep the memories alive

Hold on to your dreams
Don't you ever let go
There's a fire inside you
Burning with hope

This little light of mine
I'm gonna let it shine
This little light of mine
I'm gonna let it shine
Gonna let it shine

There will be days when you wanna give up
When the clouds settle in
But after the rain comes the sun
Don't you ever forget
Don't forget
Don't, don't forget


One day there will be no more pain
And we will finally see Jesus' face
So until then I'm gonna try
To brave the dark


And let my little light shine

This little light of mine
I'm gonna let it shine
This little light of mine
I'm gonna let it shine
Gonna let it shine

This little light of mine
I'm gonna let it shine
This little light of mine
I'm gonna let it shine
Gonna let it shine


Oh, shine


Gonna let it shine


There's a little light inside us all
 
I spent a lot of time in my late teens and 20's trying to find someone, something, some accomplishment, some goal, to light the flame inside me.  It wasn't until I realized that God is the only one that can light my candle and fan the flame that I truly started to shine.  We all come into this world as candles with no flames.  God carries the flame and we have to ask him to light it for us. 
 
I find myself letting my light shine when life is good, when things are going great, when I have confidence, and I know God is blessing me. 
 
But then there are times when life is tough, when people are angry, rude, selfish, mean, when I am angry, rude, selfish, and mean, but I have to remember that there is a light inside of me and it's my CHOICE as to whether or not I want to cover it up or let it shine. 
 
It's easier to see a candle's light in the darkness than it is in the light of day, if we choose to let our candle shine, even when things aren't going how we want them to, other people are going to take notice. 

Prayer

I lay myself at Your feet
Asking You won't You meet
Won't You meet me
I cannot do it on my own
I cannot do it all alone
Here I am, oh, tonight
With my arms open wide
Won't You come inside
Won't You come inside, God
Come and fill this heart of mine
I'm in need of You
Of Your touch, of Your life, of Your love
I need You
I need You

I often struggle to find the words to pray as I don’t feel like anything I can say can truly put into words what I need. Somehow though, I come across songs that seem to connect perfectly with what I am feeling or with what I want to say.

This song is one of those… Everytime I hear it, I can’t help but lift my arms in the air and give God my heart. It’s like he’s pulling the pain of sin out of my heart and replacing it with his Love and his spirit. It puts me in such a pure place of worship, that nothing can distract me, nothing can separate me from talking to God at that moment.

Before I had a relationship with Jesus, I didn’t know what love was… I didn’t know what it could feel like, but now, I can’t imagine living a life disconnected from him.

Waiting

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve you while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord

When nothing seems to be happening, when I don’t have plans, when I don’t have commitments, I get caught up in thinking that God isn’t answering my prayers. I tell him I am ready to make a move in HIS name, I am ready to do BIG things in his name. I have the time now Lord, why aren’t you showing me where you want me to go, what you want me to do? Why are you silent? Where are you!? Hello? God? Just give me something! Often, the only thing I accomplish is hours spent worrying, wondering, what is going on, what can I do? This song lays it out. We all crave action, we crave quick answers and results, we crave chaos. When we lose patience and try to do things on our own, God leads us into the desert, just as he led the Israelites into the desert, so that we learn to worship, trust him, and serve him in every situation. He wants us to be patient. Commitment and faith is serving, loving, sacrificing, even when we aren’t getting anything in return. That is what he wants from us. We are not guaranteed anything here on this earth. As long as we accept his gift of salvation and forgiveness we ARE guaranteed an eternity with him in Heaven.

Today I pray that I can serve, that I can worship, that I can be content and excited to be waiting for God's perfect timing and his plan.

Healing Begins

So you thought you had to keep this up
All the work that you do
So we think that you're good
And you can't believe it's not enough
All the walls you built up
Are just glass on the outside

So let 'em fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

Afraid to let your secrets out
Everything that you hide
Can come crashing through the door now
But too scared to face all your fear
So you hide but you find
That the shame won't disappear

So let it fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now
We're here now, oh

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

Sparks will fly as grace collides
With the dark inside of us
So please don't fight
This coming light
Let this blood come cover us
His blood can cover us

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

I love how God speaks to me through music and how he uses some extremely talented musicians to teach and to introduce himself to people.

This song is one that really struck a chord with me today. I feel like I move through the world and the “stuff” that I encounter daily causes me to be filled with pride, selfishness, anger, hatred, laziness, and indifference. Despite how much I try to remain positive, and hopeful, I feel that negativity, the schemes of Satan sticking to me. It’s almost like I am walking through streets full of wet tar and every step I take I collect more and more gunk and it gets heavier and heavier. At the same time, I am embarrassed by the crud that has collected in my heart and my pride causes me to build up walls to make my life look “clean” and shiny. Before long the walls I have built up are so big that the only way to truly CLEAN my life is for me to let GOD lead my heart and to let GOD clean me from the inside out. God’s spirit is telling me the whole time that I need to change, that I need to confess, that I need to accept forgiveness. But pride can be a stubborn obstacle. Because we become so blind to God’s truth, grace, mercy and forgiveness it often takes something BIG to shatter the walls and to get our attention. God breaks us, he allows us to experience pain and suffering so that we run out of ideas and strategies to alleviate the suffering on our own.

In Every Man, God’s Man Steve Arturburn says, “God knows all our moves, and HIS desire to pin us down comes out of HIS great desire to get close to us, not destroy us or gain some sort of victory. When God can’t get through to us by our conscience, he sometimes uses crises in our lives, our close relationships, our business ventures, our careers, our health, and our families to bring us to a place nothing else could. A desperate place… He knows most men will not change until the pain of their circumstance exceeds the pain of change.”

In this song, I love the verse:

Sparks will fly as grace collides
With the dark inside of us
So please don't fight
This coming light
Let this blood come cover us
His blood can cover us

The thought that SPARKS FLY as God tries to change us on the inside, as HE wages the battle with darkness is AWESOME! Change can be violent, it isn’t always pretty. God doesn’t wave his wand over us and we are fixed. SPARKS FLY. Keep in mind, even this type of change can’t happen if we don’t first believe that Jesus died and bled on the cross for me. He saved me from my sin and his blood washes all that tar, all that gunk away.

So I am a sinner, God will cleanse me of my sins, but many times before we are willing to let that happen, God gets our attention through pain. This is where my prayer today comes from. God right now is trying to get my attention. He is allowing me to experience the pain of a broken heart in VERY small doses. He is warning me that I need to give my life 100% to him. My prayer is that he makes this change in my heart and that I take notice before he has to resort to more dramatic measures to get my attention.

Hebrews 12:11 (NLT) says “No discipline is enjoyable while it is happening- it is painful! But afterward there will be a quiet harvest of right living for those who are trained in this way.”

Wide Open Spaces!

Well, we drove all day and much of the evening, but we finally got back to St. Louis from Dubois, Wyoming. Overall, the trip back took about 18 hours. In total we put almost 3000 miles on my brand new Honda Accord. What was I thinking really?! It had 400 miles before the trip. It's ok... we broke it in and the gas mileage improved on the way home. Just a lot of bugs to clean off the front end.

My girlfriend, Angie, myself and my roommates girlfriend Ami all packed into the car to head out. Before I start, the main purpose of the trip was to visit my roommate, Brad, who is working in Wyoming this summer at a camp for at-risk youth.

Overall, the trip was amazing. I was really looking forward to it because my family and I took a similar trip probably close to 22 years ago when I was 7 or so. Our agenda this time had us drive through South Dakota where we stopped and camped one night at the Badlands National Park. It was beautiful. The first evening in the park, we went on a 5 or 6 mile hike through some of the grassy backcountry. Within the first mile, we came across a sign warning of rattlesnakes. I love to camp and see signs all the time warning of specific wildlife. When my dad and I were in Alaska, we saw warnings to keep a lookout for Bears and didn't see a single one. So I figured we wouldn't see any snakes. Well, we were climbing down one of the mountains and I went to step on a rock when I notice it is occupied by a snake and quickly maneuver in mid air to avoid stepping on it. After I land, I turn around and realize it has a fat diamond shaped head and the markings of a rattlesnake. Confused because it didn't warn us of it's presence I moved back for a closer look. Sure enough it was a rattlesnake, but he still didn't rattle. .
So I felt comfortable and took out my camera... as I was pushing the button to take the picture he start to shake his tail and turn toward me. I immediately take off. Here is the picture I got off just before. So after the Badlands we drive west to Mount Rushmore. This was a complete disappointment. We could have taken our pictures from the road outside the park and avoided paying the 10.00 entrance fee. All there really is to do here is take picture. Next we drove on to Buffalo, WY to our next campsite. I had intended to visit Devils Tower on the way, but we were anxious to get to our next campsite. Buffalo, is just outside Big Horn Mountains National Forest. This was probably my favorite stop on the trip, other than getting to visit Brad. The Big Horn Mountains were big, majestic, covered in wild flowers, bald mountain tops and wide open fields. The biggest praise was the it was virtually dead quiet with few tourists. We took two hikes and didn't see a single person on either hike. Here are a few pics.

Next we drove west out of the Big Horn Mountains and then south through Wind River Gorge. The girls laughed at me because as we decended into the gorge I noticed the river flowed the opposite direction. We were going down, down, down, and the gorge appeared to be going down with us, yet the river APPEARED to be flowing up hill. I guess it was funny because I had such a hard time wrapping my mind around this optical illusion. Finally, we arrived in Dubois, Wyoming and met up with Brad. We quickly exchanged hugs and greetings and then loaded up and drove another 2 hours west to Jackson, Wyoming and the Grand Teton National Park. Brad knew about a little used Forest Service Camping area, that was free of charge and provided the best views of the Tetons. We took his car because the one catch is that the roads are all dirt roads and 4 wheel drive is required. Once to the site though, our jaws dropped at the view. Buffalo, elk, and antelope roamed the fields around our site. It was pretty amazing! Here is the dirt road to get to our site. The next day we met up with some other friends from our church in STL who now live in Montana. They met up with us for a hike in the Grand Teton National Park. The hike was easy, but we walked through fields and fields of wild flowers up to your waist. It was beautiful. We then hopped in the car and headed back toward Dubois, WY. Here we spent time just visiting with Brad's coworkers, chatting around a campfire and admiring the amazing views of the Absorka Mountains. On Sunday, Brad and Ami, and Angie and I did our own things. Angie and I took the advice of one of Brad's best friends and did a 5 mile hike to Lake Louise. Just like everything else, the hike was beautiful with waterfalls, rushing rivers, wide open views of valleys and mountains and of course the crystal clear alpine lake at the end.

Then of course the next day, we hopped in the car and drove back to STL. I was amazed at how remote, vast, open, unoccupied, and desolate Wyoming was. I don't remember it being that way. Most of the trip was through rolling desert mountains covered in shrubby tumbleweed. But it was beautiful, and it was big, and it was empty. I loved it. I wanted to take a horse and ride off into the horizon to explore and to live like the pioneers of old. Talking to Brad's friend Jeremy who has now lived in the area for over 4 years is inspiring. He lives a simple life in beautiful land. He works for the camp during the year and then fills in at a gear store when he isn't at the camp. He hikes, skis, snowshoes, camps, hunts, gardens during his freetime. He leaves his doors unlocked all the time and knows everyone in town. His dogs head off to explore the town during the day but always return home. He talks about how you can just head off over the mountains to go hunting or hiking or camping. No permission is needed, the land isn't privately owned. It looks and sounds extremely appealing at times, but I imagine it is vary lonely too. If my family and friends all wanted to pack up and move, I might consider it, but in the end, I just really enjoyed knowing it is still there for me to visit and to dream about. Wyoming is a state with a Big Sky, Big Views, and Big Adventures.

Here are some more artistic pics I took:

New Pictures!

Two months!????

It's really been two months since I posted last? Not sure if anyone still checks back here with my lack of production, but I will update everyone of what's going on. I finish my school year at work. It was a great year! I learned a ton working with Louis, a 4th grade autistic student. I am going to miss him and pray that he gets a good aid for next year. His new classroom is not going to be a good fit for him next year.

I finish my 2nd semester of grad school and started my 3rd. I am taking 15 hours of classes over the summer. During the month of June I will be in class on Mondays from 9am-10pm, Tues 9am-4pm, Wed 9am-8pm, and Thurs 9am-4pm. It's going to be a stressful month, but I can do it. I'm not working this summer so I wanted to take as many classes as possible. This schedule should allow me to finish my classes by next spring and then do my internship over the summer.

As I said, I'm not working this summer, but will be trying to find odd jobs to help pay for gas money and food. If you need anything done, let me know! I just finished staining a pretty large deck for a friend.

Angie and I got back together the last week of April and so far things have been going great! We went to Kansas City Memorial Day weekend to visit her parents who just moved there from STL.

Other than classes my summer plans are pretty much up in the air. My roommate is working in Wyoming this summer at a wilderness camp for at risk youth. Angie, myself and his girlfriend plan to take a trip out there in July. I would like to do some hiking and canoeing/kayaking around here this summer if time and money are available. I'm also looking forward to trips to visit my parents and my sister and her family this summer.

Well, I hope all is going well with you. Here is a pic of Angie and I from our trip to KC.

Smoky Mountain High!

I know, I know... the title of the song is really Rocky Mountain High, but with what God blessed us with this past weekend, I had to change the title.

For those of you that don't know, the weather in the last few weeks has left a lot to be desired. Monday and Tuesday before we left, the saint louis area and the midwest got about 8 inches of rain in a 36 hour period. Looking at the forecast they were calling for snow on the Sunday of our return. But God worked his miracle and on Thursday-Saturday, the weather broke for amazing weather for our trip. It was a sunny and warm drive, we had clear blue skies with highs near 70 both Friday and Saturday. When we got home on Sunday evening, we drove in a blizzard. We had prayed for amazing weather and God delivered.

With that said, here is a run down of our trip.

Angie, Cathy, Brad and I left Saint Louis Thursday morning at 7am. We were all excited.


We arrived at our cabin... it was called "Awesome Views". I would say it's name is fitting.



We met up with our friends James and Amber who now live in Atlanta. The next day we went on a pretty intense hike up the Chimney Top Trail. Here is a group picture of us on our way up.



The next day we drove up to the Newfound Gap. This is where the Tennessee Mountains meet the North Carolina Mountains.



The next day we packed a picnic lunch and went rock hopping in one of the rivers in Smoky Mountain National Park



Overall the trip couldn't have been any better!

Walking in Memphis

This past weekend, I FINALLY had the chance to go see my sister and her growing family in Memphis. I hadn't been down since Thanksgiving. When you have a 4 year old and a 14 month old nephew, 3 months is an eternity. During those 3 months my sister also had her 3rd child, Leah Grace (Love) Johnson. The Love was given to her by Noah. When you would ask him the babies name, he would say, Leah Grace Love Johnson. He says Love is in there because he loves her. Leah is a beautiful baby and I am sure she will as big a blessing to my sister and her husband as the two boys have been.

I had a great weekend. Not only were my nephews happy, fun, and running all over the place, but the weather was amazing! I love visiting and really hope that someday the move closer to the Saint Louis area so I can see them more.

I don't know how my sister and her husband have the energy to keep up with Noah and Elijah.

So Saturday and Sunday the temps were in the mid 70's. Monday night in Saint Louis we get sleet, freezing rain and on Tuesday 7 inches of snow. Yet another snow day. It was the hardest I have seen it snow in my life. I am ready for spring. At least this weekend is daylight savings time. That puts spring right around the corner!

Monday night I started my small group with a group of about 6 guys. It's all about being and doing manly things, oh and also about the secrets that men keep. The first day went really well and I am looking forward to getting to know the guys better.

Finally, before I show off some new photos, I want to ask prayers for a friend of mine from college. He has had some pain in his groin area and after going to the doctor, he is going in for a biopsy in a week or so. Please pray that it's not Cancer.

Here are a few new photos, they weren't really planned, so they aren't great, but I love to photo that amazing artwork that God paints daily.

I can't think of anything!!!

I haven't blogged in a while. It's not because i haven't wanted to... it's just that I don't have any good pics to post or any profound words of wisdom :) That and nothing too exciting has happened in the past month. My sister called me out to post the following survey, I guess I will get started with that. Oh and for everyone out there, please pray for Kirkwood, MO. I go to church about 1/2 mile from where the brutal slayings took place in Kwood city hall last week and the town is in mourning. It's a great town that defines the word community.

Two names you go by… Andy and Fleck


Two things you are wearing right now… Nike Shox and an SIU hoody.

Two things you would want (or have) in a relationship… trust and respect (can't really beat those answers Abbie)


Two of your favorite things to do… Hike and take pictures

Two things you want very badly at the moment… to be done with school and to see my new niece and my nephews :).

Two pets you have or have had… Pucker and Hamburger :)


Two things that you did last night… trivia night for Boys Hope Girls Hope and watched the last episode of 24 season 3.


Two people you think will fill this out...Ehh... don't think anyone really reads this except my sister and mom.

Two things you ate today… Chicken and dumplings and St. Louis Bread Co.

Two people you last talked to… Brad and Mike C.


Two things you’re doing tomorrow… Work and hopefully waking up to workout in the morning!

Two longest car rides… South Dakota and Coming home from the SIU/NIU football game.


Two favorite holidays… Christmas and Thanksgiving

Two favorite beverages… Coke and Gatorade


Two people no longer alive who you’d like to talk to… Jesus and Paul.

Rubix Cube

My roommate got a rubix cube for Christmas and I have been caught up in trying to solve it. Well, after hours of messing around, I did it!

Happy New Year!

Well, Christmas came and went and my winter break is starting to wrap itself up. I spent all of last week at my parents house in Southern Illinois. It was a nice relaxing break from the city life. We live right by the South County Mall and traffic and tempers were at an all time high just before I left. It was nice to get away. I spent time with mom and dad, did a little hiking, met up with some high school friends, watched the Carbondale Holiday High School Basketball Tournament, oh and bought new tires. I had just purchased new tires last March, but apparently I got a bad batch and had to have them replaced. Luckily Sams warranty helped pay for them, but I still had to dish out 200.00 There goes my Christmas $$.



Overall, Christmas was very nice. It was a little quiet without having my sister and her famly there Christmas morning. We missed them.



I don't know what it is, but the past few days, I have felt a bit anxious. I think it's a combination of the prospect of going back to work on Thursday, returning to school next week and the real posibility that I could have a 2nd job coming up. I am nervous that I am going to have too much going on. I also increased my class load from 6 hours to 9 hours. That and my diet has been bad. Good healthy food is expensive and money is something that is spread pretty thin right now. I guess a second job will help. We'll see. One thing I do take courage in is that I know God won't sign me up for anything I can't handle. Maybe the reason I didn't get an interview for that 2nd job this fall was because I needed to take baby steps in returning to school so I didn't get too stressed out. He has a plan, he will give me the energy, focus, and strength if it's part of the plan. Also, school is different this go around. I am not doing it because I HAVE to. I am doing it because I WANT to.



Tonight is new years eve. A time to reflect on the past 365 days and a time to look forward to the next 366 days (leap year). I plan to do a blog on what I have learned and experienced in the past year and what I look forward to next year. I'll try not to wait until March to get it done. I wish you all a happy and SAFE new year!



AS always, here's a picture I took over Christmas in Ferne Cliff State Park by my parent's home in Goreville, IL. It's not great, but kind of funky looking.

IT'S REALLY BEEN A MONTH!?

I can't believe I am pushing a month without a post. I guess my life just isn't interesting enough to post once a week. Well, in the last month I have wrapped up my 1st semester in grad school. All A's!!! My professor even wrote a long note about my natural ability and how my self-analysis was the best in the class! It's nice to have my decision to return to school validated.

CHRISTmas should be interesting this year. Not only am I broke from school, but I also spent a day and a half in the hospital just after Thanksgiving with the stomach flu. So I will also be receiving a nice hefty bill from the hospital soon. It's funny how God puts us in difficult situations in order to teach us something. I really find peace when the going gets tough by trying to find a lesson in my hardship or pain. I can't afford gifts so I started thinking about what I could give instead. This fall my small group did a study on using OUR gifts to serve others. During this time I felt really dry in my faith. I didn't feel "called" or "compelled" to serve. Everything I learned I felt I already knew. Looking back, I now realize he was preparing me for this situation. Instead of purchasing gifts I am going to give myself. I am going to do everything I can to go out of my way to help others. I am going to focus on being completely and entirely open to helping others. There is so much in the bible that talks about giving.

"Yes, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather, serve one another in love." - Galatians 5:13 (NIV)

"Those of us who are strong and able in the faith need to step in and lend a hand to those who falter, and not just do what is most convenient for us. Strength is for service, not status. Each one of us needs to look after the good of the people around us, asking ourselves, "How can I help?"- Romans 15:1-2 (msg)

"Then he said, “Beware! Guard against every kind of greed. Life is not measured by how much you own.”- Luke 12:15 (NLT)

"You obey the law of Christ when you offer each other a helping hand." - Galatians 6:2 (CEV)

"...let's see how inventive we can be in encouraging love and helping out..."- Hebrews 10:24 (MSG)

There are more verses than I can type. I encourage each of you to remember to serve others this CHRISTmas season. I will still put together a "creative" gift for my family, but I am really going to focus on helping those who are alone during the holidays, those that are lost, that are seeking to fill that God-shaped hole in their hearts. I love my family and they know that. This year, I am going to try and really love other's that don't know that someone cares. Not sure what I am going to do yet, but I know that God will place and opportunity in front of me.

With that said, I wish you all a VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS! GOD BLESS!

Oh and as always... here's one of my latest pics. I found this tiny tiny church off of a gravel forest service road in the middle of the Shawnee National Forest. Not one of my best pics, but with the fall leaves and the clear blue skies, it was an oasis in the middle of dense forest.

Odds and Ends

I really can't seem to keep up with this blog thing. My sister has been putting me to shame. One thing I need to do is take more pictures. I really haven't had a chance and nothing has really inspired me to take pictures since leaving so. ill. This picture is one of the few I have taken. I love to take pictures because nature inspires me. Nature is simple. That's what we should aspire for. Simplicity. For instance in this picture, the little flowers are reaching toward the sun. God created in us a desire for him. That is what we are ALL searching for. Unfortunately we fill that desire with everything BUT God. We don't want to admit that we need him and that it is our soul desire to reach for him and to worship him. If we would just look at Nature. These little flowers are reaching toward the sun seeking the SUN, pointing their petals toward the LIGHT in praise and worship. They NEED the sun. Psalm 148 helps me to see worship in Nature.

Psalm 148

Praise the Lord!Praise the Lord from the heavens;

praise him in the heights!

2Praise him, all his angels;

praise him, all his host!
3Praise him, sun and moon;

praise him, all you shining stars!

4Praise him, you highest heavens,

and you waters above the heavens!
5Let them praise the name of the Lord,

for he commanded and they were created.

6He established them for ever and ever;

he fixed their bounds,

which cannot be passed.*
7Praise the Lord from the earth,

you sea monsters and all deeps,

8fire and hail, snow and frost,

stormy wind fulfilling his command!
9Mountains and all hills,

fruit trees and all cedars!

10Wild animals and all cattle,

creeping things and flying birds!
11Kings of the earth and all peoples,

princes and all rulers of the earth!

12Young men and women alike,

old and young together!
13Let them praise the name of the Lord,

for his name alone is exalted;

his glory is above earth and heaven.

14He has raised up a horn for his people,

praise for all his faithful,

for the people of Israel who are close to him.

Praise the Lord!

On another note...last Friday, despite the cool temps and the light rain, we took our class to a Pumpkin Farm to pick pumpkins. They had a blast and I did too. I am really enjoying this job. Sometimes, I worry though that I am having too much fun with the kids. I keep having to remind myself that I am there to teach and to try and help their behavior. Being one of them isn't always the best thing. But it is fun and I don't think that they are disrespecting me. Here is a picture of the kids on the bus on our way down. My student is the one on in the red and black coat on the left. Mrs. Lewis is the teacher and then Debbie and Colleen are both Aides. We really enjoy working with one another and it is a great group. Mrs. Lewis is a long term sub who will be leaving us this week when Mrs. Kite returns from maternity leave. I haven't worked with Mrs. Kite, but I hope she is as patient and as flexible as Mrs. Lewis has been. I also hope that she is willing to put up me.

Music Lyrics

How on earth do people do this everyday!? I can't come up with enough ideas to write about! If there is anyone reading this and you would like me to talk about something, post a response and let me know.

With that, I wanted to take the chance to talk about how uplifting music has been for me. One of the most enjoyable things for me is to get in my car when it is a cool evening, roll down my windows and drive through the country with my music blaring.

Christian worship music really makes me want to bown down and sometimes it brings tears to my eyes. To be driving through the country, seeing, feeling, smelling God's creation forces me to pull over, close my eyes and just pray. I don't know how often I see and hear the clouds, trees, grass, animals, breeze singing the Lords praise. I am floored that God would sacrifice himself in human flesh so that I might be saved for my selfish sin. I sin everyday and he provides salvation and I don't have to do a thing.... and not only does he provide salvation, he also blesses us with immense beauty all around us. It's so overwhealming that I don't know what to say or what to do. I have a hard time putting my feelings into words, but I am so thankful that there are amazing musicians such as David Crowder, Mark Hall, Edwin McCain, Bebo Norman, Shawn McDonald, Mac Powell that can put my feelings into words. Below are the lyrics of a Song by the David Crowder Band. If you haven't heard him, check it out. His songs are so full of worship that you can't help but close your eyes and bow down.


I am full of earth.
You are heaven's worth.
I am stained with dirt, prone to depravity.
You are my everything that is bright and clean, the antonym of me.
You are divinity.
But a certain sign of grace is this: From the broken earth flowers come up pushing through the dirt.
You are holy, holy, holy.
All heaven cries, "Holy, holy God."
You are holy, holy, holy.
I want to be holy like You are.
You are everything that is bright and clean.
And You're covering me with Your majesty.
And the truest sign of grace was this: From wounded hands redemption fell down, liberating man.
But the harder I try the more clearly can I fell the depth of our fall and the weight of it all.
And so this might could be the most impossible thing: Your grandness in me making me clean.
Glory, hallelujah.
Glory, glory, hallelujah.
So here I am, all of me.
Finally everything.
Wholly, wholly, wholly - I am wholly, wholly, wholly - I am wholly, wholly, wholly... Yours.
I am full of earth and dirt and You.

Then there is Mark Hall and Casting Crowns. I don't know how many times following Christ has seemed much too difficult. This following song gives me strength and helps me to remember that The Lord, "will deliver me from every evil attack and bring me safely to his heavenly Kingdom." - 2nd Timothy

Praise you in this storm

I was sure by now / That You would have reached down / And wiped our tears away / stepped in and saved the day / but once again, I say "Amen," and its still raining

As the thunder rolls / I barely hear you whisper through the rain / "I'm with you" / And as Your mercy falls / I raise my hands and praise the God that gives / And takes away

I'll Praise you in this storm / And I will lift my hands / For You are who You are / No matter where I am / Every tear I've cried / You hold in your hand / You never left my side / And though my heart is torn / I will Praise You in this storm

I remember when / I stumbled in the wind / You herd my cry / You raised me up again / My strength is almost gone / How can i carry on / If I can't Find you

As the thunder rolls / I barely hear you whisper through the rain / "I'm with you" / And as Your mercy falls / I raise my hands and praise the God that gives / And takes away

Let me know what you guys think. If you have anything you would like me to talk about, just say so!

Check Number 3

I recently posted about how I have put my complete faith in God to provide for a move back to St. Louis and a return to school. I wrote about how he provided me with a place to live and eat. Now I was waiting for the third check... a job. Well, I have accepted a job as an Individual Care Aid. I will be working with an Autistic 4th grader. The job not only will help me make contacts for when I finish my Counselor Degree, but it will also make accomplishing several of my class assignments easier. The most important thing is that this job offers FREE health insurance.

I was EXTREMELY nervous about working one on one helping to educate this very intelligent child. However, I started thinking about it and this had to have been God's plan all along. He gave me everything I needed in a job, housing, etc, but if he had made it all easy, I would have quickly forgotten his provisions. He gave me a job that will force me to enter into my fears and to trust him and to seek his counsel. I am grateful because too often I forget.

There is one aspect of all of this that hurts a bit. It is sad, believe it or not, to leave my job at Blue Cross Blue Shield. God challenged me there as well with a boring job, but he opened my eyes to the needs of the people around us. He also put me in a place with a lot of need to highlight my God-given gifts. He placed people around me who were non-believers and believers alike. People that had strange personality quirks, marriage problems, sick children, abusive spouses, homelessness and so much more. I was humbled that I grew up 20 minutes from all of this and I never really experienced the poverty and the pain around me. He forced me to share my testimony with people experiencing similar situations and guided me to share my faith. I had never ever done this. One coworker made a decision for Christ during all of this. Through all of this God showed me that I am accepting, patient, encouraging, caring, willing to help, willing to lead, willing to listen, and willing to love. I am not sure I would have recognized my gifts without this experience and i am not sure that I would have followed his gifts to pursue a career in counseling. I am extremely excited about my counseling classes. For once, I feel like I am heading in the right direction. While the job at BCBS was sometimes painfully boring it was necessary for me to experience that. Thank you God. I can't wait for what you have next.

I'm Moving!

Yep, God finally kicked me in the butt and said, Hey kid... you are trying to do WAY to much without my help. Have a little faith, I'll give you food, shelter, and a job.
For those of you that don't know. I have been living with my parents in the Carbondale area for the past few months. I quit my job last December intending to go back to school to pursue a degree in elementary education. Well, after taking an intro class at the local junior college, I decided I couldn't handle dealing with 30 kids by myself for 6-8 hours of the day. However, I still love working with youth and wanted to be in a school setting. I talked to a few school counselors and all of my spiritual gifts point to a career in counseling. So I looked around and found an evening Master's program in school counseling at Lindenwood University in St. Charles, MO. I decided that I would start looking for a job in St. Louis. First comes a job, then an apartment or place to live and then I register for school. I had decided I would shoot for this fall, but if I didn't find a job, that I would start in January. Well, I prayed for all of the above to happen. Nothing happened. Then one day last week, a bright light came on. God said, I am not going to give you all that you ask for because you wouldn't have any reason to trust in me. He said, register for class, trust that I will give you the rest. So on Friday I took the day off of work from my FABULOUS Blue Cross Blue Shield job, drove to St. Louis and signed up for class. Step one, check. Your turn God. Well,now I need a place to live. The BIG GUY answered, free apts/rooms started popping up. Yes, I said FREE! One was with an older woman who was offering an apartment in exchange for housework, the others were all friends offered their places for several months. Step two, check. After much torment about which opportunity to pursue, I realized that they were all gifts from GOD. "So what about that job, God?" Well, it so happens that I have a pretty good friend in O'Fallon, IL that is the Vice president of the School Board. I called him up asking about available jobs. He said there are 12 teachers aide positions available and to send my resume ASAP and he would try and pull some strings. SOOOO God is working on that third check.
Oh and during all of this, I get a message from my currect supervisor on Friday asking me to call him. He says we need to talk before I come into work on Monday. Immediately I am worried that he has discovered my plans. I call him and to my complete surprise he offers me a PROMOTION! So I tell him my plans and he understands and wishes me the best.
So I knocked on the door and God opened it wide. I am moving Labor Day weekend to O'Fallon, Illinois to live with a couple friends of mine for the fall. Please continue to pray that I keep hearing God's voice clearly, that I give HIM all the credit, and that I keep my eyes focused on his amazing love. Thank you to everyone who offered a room to sleep in. It was a difficult decision and I am blessed that I have such awesome friends to make my decision so difficult :)

Dog Days Of Summer

Well, they say that this is the time of the summer that gets you yearning for that first falling leaf, the cool breezes and the frosty mornings. They call it the Dog Days of Summer. Well, for my parents' dog sophie, she couldn't be happier in the summer. Summer weather means she gets to go swimming.

For those of you that don't know, Sophie used to compete in "Dock Diving". She did a really good job, but is now retired from competing. She would show up to the competitions lying outstretched on the back seat of my parents car. The other dogs would be penned up in their crates, just enough room to bark jealously at sophie as she sauntered by. Sophie loved the events. She used them to socialize with the humans more than the other dogs. Her demeanor was so outgoing and sweet that she would quickly become a crowd favorite. Her best jump was somewhere just under 22 feet. The best jumping dogs, the ones featured on ESPN jump about 25 feet. Anything over 21 feet is considered a "Big Air" dog. So Sophie was among the elite. After several competitions, she decided she enjoyed socializing more than jumping, so she quit. Well, now she jumps for fun at home. Everday after work I change into my swimming suit and go down to the dock and throw a stick for her. We do this for about 30 minutes and it has become a routine that she will not let me forget about. If I want to take a day off, she comes up to me and jumps up on me, nudging me to go out and play. On weekends, when the lake is full of recreational boating traffic, she will regularly attract several boats full of families amazed at her ability. I have attached a movie of her jumping. It's a lot of fun and pretty amazing at the same time

Epiphany!

A few days ago I posted about desire. Today I feel like I am starting to put it all together. I have had some awesome time of reflection the past few days and God has really given me a peace and understanding about our desires. Angie asked me this week after emailing back and forth about desire, what my desires were. This is something I think about on a regular basis, but for some reason this week God really spoke to me through this question. I started thinking about my desires. I want to enjoy nature, I want to work outdoors, I want to be surrounded by friends, grilling out, I want to be 100% physically healthy so I can play and do all the things I want to do, I want to have a family, I want to be a school counselor, helping kids through those difficult times in high school, I want to eat amazing food, I want to have a farm on about 100 acres, with a lake and a tall mountain, I want to travel the world, the list goes on and on. I realized that what I am describing is HEAVEN!!!! With the prompting of various scripture and John Eldredge's book, I realized that if i had all these things, why would I need God? If I had those things, I could be happy here without God!

"God must take away the Heaven we create (or try to create), or it will become our Hell. You may not think your efforts to arrange for a little of what you desire are anything like Heaven on Earth. But some deep and tender part of us gets trapped there in those times and places where we have had a taste of the life we long for (Eldredge, Desire)." God places the desire in our hearts so we have a yearning to seek Him and a yearning for what is beyond this life. Too often we experience little "tastes" of Heaven. That fluttering lightheaded feeling of being in love, the exhilaration of our favorite team winning the World Series, the awe inspiring feeling when sitting on the top of a 10,000 mountain. We all have different experiences that allow us to touch Heaven. God plans for this. Our problem comes when we taste that desire and decide we want that here now and forever in this lifetime. We turn that desire and that experience into an idol and worship it and do everything to achieve it. The problem is that we can't. We can't because that is reserved for ETERNITY.

I know it may seem that I have jumped quite far from my desires and the feeling that God wants us to fulfill those desires, but he does! After realizing that all of the things I was longing for are awaiting me in Heaven, I realize my only desire is to live a life pleasing to the Lord, to stand by Him and keep my focus on Him even when the going gets tough. He has a sanctuary prepared for me. When we desire Him we can look past the winter of our lives and DESIRE the reward of Spring.

"Set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is REVEALED."

1 Peter 1:13

"See! The winter is past; the rains have gone. Flowers appear on the earth; the season of singing has come."

Song of Songs 2:11-12

I have always had a hard time setting my sight on Eternity because my view of Heaven was so whispy... I saw Heaven as a city in the sky.... a place with people dressed in white robes, walking around talking... hanging out.... in the presence of God. It sounded nice, but not exciting enough! I realized that HEAVEN is here. God will renew the Earth and we will experience the place we have lived our lives like we have never seen it before. It will be magnificent and fresh and new. Eldredge quotes Revelation, "Look I am making all things NEW (Rev 21:5) Not I am making all new things."

Finally he really makes me get excited when he suggests that the reason there is reported silence for half an hour of eternity is because we are all quite speechless (Rev 8:1).

There is so much more that can be elaborated on and touched on. Some of these ideas may bounce around too much. But I feel like God has lifted a veil that covered my eyes for so long. I have been stuck in a rut, worshipping my desires. I am ready to worship God, thankful that I get to spend and eternity bbcueing on my ranch with all the people I love.