Happy New Year!

Well, Christmas came and went and my winter break is starting to wrap itself up. I spent all of last week at my parents house in Southern Illinois. It was a nice relaxing break from the city life. We live right by the South County Mall and traffic and tempers were at an all time high just before I left. It was nice to get away. I spent time with mom and dad, did a little hiking, met up with some high school friends, watched the Carbondale Holiday High School Basketball Tournament, oh and bought new tires. I had just purchased new tires last March, but apparently I got a bad batch and had to have them replaced. Luckily Sams warranty helped pay for them, but I still had to dish out 200.00 There goes my Christmas $$.



Overall, Christmas was very nice. It was a little quiet without having my sister and her famly there Christmas morning. We missed them.



I don't know what it is, but the past few days, I have felt a bit anxious. I think it's a combination of the prospect of going back to work on Thursday, returning to school next week and the real posibility that I could have a 2nd job coming up. I am nervous that I am going to have too much going on. I also increased my class load from 6 hours to 9 hours. That and my diet has been bad. Good healthy food is expensive and money is something that is spread pretty thin right now. I guess a second job will help. We'll see. One thing I do take courage in is that I know God won't sign me up for anything I can't handle. Maybe the reason I didn't get an interview for that 2nd job this fall was because I needed to take baby steps in returning to school so I didn't get too stressed out. He has a plan, he will give me the energy, focus, and strength if it's part of the plan. Also, school is different this go around. I am not doing it because I HAVE to. I am doing it because I WANT to.



Tonight is new years eve. A time to reflect on the past 365 days and a time to look forward to the next 366 days (leap year). I plan to do a blog on what I have learned and experienced in the past year and what I look forward to next year. I'll try not to wait until March to get it done. I wish you all a happy and SAFE new year!



AS always, here's a picture I took over Christmas in Ferne Cliff State Park by my parent's home in Goreville, IL. It's not great, but kind of funky looking.

IT'S REALLY BEEN A MONTH!?

I can't believe I am pushing a month without a post. I guess my life just isn't interesting enough to post once a week. Well, in the last month I have wrapped up my 1st semester in grad school. All A's!!! My professor even wrote a long note about my natural ability and how my self-analysis was the best in the class! It's nice to have my decision to return to school validated.

CHRISTmas should be interesting this year. Not only am I broke from school, but I also spent a day and a half in the hospital just after Thanksgiving with the stomach flu. So I will also be receiving a nice hefty bill from the hospital soon. It's funny how God puts us in difficult situations in order to teach us something. I really find peace when the going gets tough by trying to find a lesson in my hardship or pain. I can't afford gifts so I started thinking about what I could give instead. This fall my small group did a study on using OUR gifts to serve others. During this time I felt really dry in my faith. I didn't feel "called" or "compelled" to serve. Everything I learned I felt I already knew. Looking back, I now realize he was preparing me for this situation. Instead of purchasing gifts I am going to give myself. I am going to do everything I can to go out of my way to help others. I am going to focus on being completely and entirely open to helping others. There is so much in the bible that talks about giving.

"Yes, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather, serve one another in love." - Galatians 5:13 (NIV)

"Those of us who are strong and able in the faith need to step in and lend a hand to those who falter, and not just do what is most convenient for us. Strength is for service, not status. Each one of us needs to look after the good of the people around us, asking ourselves, "How can I help?"- Romans 15:1-2 (msg)

"Then he said, “Beware! Guard against every kind of greed. Life is not measured by how much you own.”- Luke 12:15 (NLT)

"You obey the law of Christ when you offer each other a helping hand." - Galatians 6:2 (CEV)

"...let's see how inventive we can be in encouraging love and helping out..."- Hebrews 10:24 (MSG)

There are more verses than I can type. I encourage each of you to remember to serve others this CHRISTmas season. I will still put together a "creative" gift for my family, but I am really going to focus on helping those who are alone during the holidays, those that are lost, that are seeking to fill that God-shaped hole in their hearts. I love my family and they know that. This year, I am going to try and really love other's that don't know that someone cares. Not sure what I am going to do yet, but I know that God will place and opportunity in front of me.

With that said, I wish you all a VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS! GOD BLESS!

Oh and as always... here's one of my latest pics. I found this tiny tiny church off of a gravel forest service road in the middle of the Shawnee National Forest. Not one of my best pics, but with the fall leaves and the clear blue skies, it was an oasis in the middle of dense forest.

Odds and Ends

I really can't seem to keep up with this blog thing. My sister has been putting me to shame. One thing I need to do is take more pictures. I really haven't had a chance and nothing has really inspired me to take pictures since leaving so. ill. This picture is one of the few I have taken. I love to take pictures because nature inspires me. Nature is simple. That's what we should aspire for. Simplicity. For instance in this picture, the little flowers are reaching toward the sun. God created in us a desire for him. That is what we are ALL searching for. Unfortunately we fill that desire with everything BUT God. We don't want to admit that we need him and that it is our soul desire to reach for him and to worship him. If we would just look at Nature. These little flowers are reaching toward the sun seeking the SUN, pointing their petals toward the LIGHT in praise and worship. They NEED the sun. Psalm 148 helps me to see worship in Nature.

Psalm 148

Praise the Lord!Praise the Lord from the heavens;

praise him in the heights!

2Praise him, all his angels;

praise him, all his host!
3Praise him, sun and moon;

praise him, all you shining stars!

4Praise him, you highest heavens,

and you waters above the heavens!
5Let them praise the name of the Lord,

for he commanded and they were created.

6He established them for ever and ever;

he fixed their bounds,

which cannot be passed.*
7Praise the Lord from the earth,

you sea monsters and all deeps,

8fire and hail, snow and frost,

stormy wind fulfilling his command!
9Mountains and all hills,

fruit trees and all cedars!

10Wild animals and all cattle,

creeping things and flying birds!
11Kings of the earth and all peoples,

princes and all rulers of the earth!

12Young men and women alike,

old and young together!
13Let them praise the name of the Lord,

for his name alone is exalted;

his glory is above earth and heaven.

14He has raised up a horn for his people,

praise for all his faithful,

for the people of Israel who are close to him.

Praise the Lord!

On another note...last Friday, despite the cool temps and the light rain, we took our class to a Pumpkin Farm to pick pumpkins. They had a blast and I did too. I am really enjoying this job. Sometimes, I worry though that I am having too much fun with the kids. I keep having to remind myself that I am there to teach and to try and help their behavior. Being one of them isn't always the best thing. But it is fun and I don't think that they are disrespecting me. Here is a picture of the kids on the bus on our way down. My student is the one on in the red and black coat on the left. Mrs. Lewis is the teacher and then Debbie and Colleen are both Aides. We really enjoy working with one another and it is a great group. Mrs. Lewis is a long term sub who will be leaving us this week when Mrs. Kite returns from maternity leave. I haven't worked with Mrs. Kite, but I hope she is as patient and as flexible as Mrs. Lewis has been. I also hope that she is willing to put up me.

Music Lyrics

How on earth do people do this everyday!? I can't come up with enough ideas to write about! If there is anyone reading this and you would like me to talk about something, post a response and let me know.

With that, I wanted to take the chance to talk about how uplifting music has been for me. One of the most enjoyable things for me is to get in my car when it is a cool evening, roll down my windows and drive through the country with my music blaring.

Christian worship music really makes me want to bown down and sometimes it brings tears to my eyes. To be driving through the country, seeing, feeling, smelling God's creation forces me to pull over, close my eyes and just pray. I don't know how often I see and hear the clouds, trees, grass, animals, breeze singing the Lords praise. I am floored that God would sacrifice himself in human flesh so that I might be saved for my selfish sin. I sin everyday and he provides salvation and I don't have to do a thing.... and not only does he provide salvation, he also blesses us with immense beauty all around us. It's so overwhealming that I don't know what to say or what to do. I have a hard time putting my feelings into words, but I am so thankful that there are amazing musicians such as David Crowder, Mark Hall, Edwin McCain, Bebo Norman, Shawn McDonald, Mac Powell that can put my feelings into words. Below are the lyrics of a Song by the David Crowder Band. If you haven't heard him, check it out. His songs are so full of worship that you can't help but close your eyes and bow down.


I am full of earth.
You are heaven's worth.
I am stained with dirt, prone to depravity.
You are my everything that is bright and clean, the antonym of me.
You are divinity.
But a certain sign of grace is this: From the broken earth flowers come up pushing through the dirt.
You are holy, holy, holy.
All heaven cries, "Holy, holy God."
You are holy, holy, holy.
I want to be holy like You are.
You are everything that is bright and clean.
And You're covering me with Your majesty.
And the truest sign of grace was this: From wounded hands redemption fell down, liberating man.
But the harder I try the more clearly can I fell the depth of our fall and the weight of it all.
And so this might could be the most impossible thing: Your grandness in me making me clean.
Glory, hallelujah.
Glory, glory, hallelujah.
So here I am, all of me.
Finally everything.
Wholly, wholly, wholly - I am wholly, wholly, wholly - I am wholly, wholly, wholly... Yours.
I am full of earth and dirt and You.

Then there is Mark Hall and Casting Crowns. I don't know how many times following Christ has seemed much too difficult. This following song gives me strength and helps me to remember that The Lord, "will deliver me from every evil attack and bring me safely to his heavenly Kingdom." - 2nd Timothy

Praise you in this storm

I was sure by now / That You would have reached down / And wiped our tears away / stepped in and saved the day / but once again, I say "Amen," and its still raining

As the thunder rolls / I barely hear you whisper through the rain / "I'm with you" / And as Your mercy falls / I raise my hands and praise the God that gives / And takes away

I'll Praise you in this storm / And I will lift my hands / For You are who You are / No matter where I am / Every tear I've cried / You hold in your hand / You never left my side / And though my heart is torn / I will Praise You in this storm

I remember when / I stumbled in the wind / You herd my cry / You raised me up again / My strength is almost gone / How can i carry on / If I can't Find you

As the thunder rolls / I barely hear you whisper through the rain / "I'm with you" / And as Your mercy falls / I raise my hands and praise the God that gives / And takes away

Let me know what you guys think. If you have anything you would like me to talk about, just say so!

Check Number 3

I recently posted about how I have put my complete faith in God to provide for a move back to St. Louis and a return to school. I wrote about how he provided me with a place to live and eat. Now I was waiting for the third check... a job. Well, I have accepted a job as an Individual Care Aid. I will be working with an Autistic 4th grader. The job not only will help me make contacts for when I finish my Counselor Degree, but it will also make accomplishing several of my class assignments easier. The most important thing is that this job offers FREE health insurance.

I was EXTREMELY nervous about working one on one helping to educate this very intelligent child. However, I started thinking about it and this had to have been God's plan all along. He gave me everything I needed in a job, housing, etc, but if he had made it all easy, I would have quickly forgotten his provisions. He gave me a job that will force me to enter into my fears and to trust him and to seek his counsel. I am grateful because too often I forget.

There is one aspect of all of this that hurts a bit. It is sad, believe it or not, to leave my job at Blue Cross Blue Shield. God challenged me there as well with a boring job, but he opened my eyes to the needs of the people around us. He also put me in a place with a lot of need to highlight my God-given gifts. He placed people around me who were non-believers and believers alike. People that had strange personality quirks, marriage problems, sick children, abusive spouses, homelessness and so much more. I was humbled that I grew up 20 minutes from all of this and I never really experienced the poverty and the pain around me. He forced me to share my testimony with people experiencing similar situations and guided me to share my faith. I had never ever done this. One coworker made a decision for Christ during all of this. Through all of this God showed me that I am accepting, patient, encouraging, caring, willing to help, willing to lead, willing to listen, and willing to love. I am not sure I would have recognized my gifts without this experience and i am not sure that I would have followed his gifts to pursue a career in counseling. I am extremely excited about my counseling classes. For once, I feel like I am heading in the right direction. While the job at BCBS was sometimes painfully boring it was necessary for me to experience that. Thank you God. I can't wait for what you have next.

I'm Moving!

Yep, God finally kicked me in the butt and said, Hey kid... you are trying to do WAY to much without my help. Have a little faith, I'll give you food, shelter, and a job.
For those of you that don't know. I have been living with my parents in the Carbondale area for the past few months. I quit my job last December intending to go back to school to pursue a degree in elementary education. Well, after taking an intro class at the local junior college, I decided I couldn't handle dealing with 30 kids by myself for 6-8 hours of the day. However, I still love working with youth and wanted to be in a school setting. I talked to a few school counselors and all of my spiritual gifts point to a career in counseling. So I looked around and found an evening Master's program in school counseling at Lindenwood University in St. Charles, MO. I decided that I would start looking for a job in St. Louis. First comes a job, then an apartment or place to live and then I register for school. I had decided I would shoot for this fall, but if I didn't find a job, that I would start in January. Well, I prayed for all of the above to happen. Nothing happened. Then one day last week, a bright light came on. God said, I am not going to give you all that you ask for because you wouldn't have any reason to trust in me. He said, register for class, trust that I will give you the rest. So on Friday I took the day off of work from my FABULOUS Blue Cross Blue Shield job, drove to St. Louis and signed up for class. Step one, check. Your turn God. Well,now I need a place to live. The BIG GUY answered, free apts/rooms started popping up. Yes, I said FREE! One was with an older woman who was offering an apartment in exchange for housework, the others were all friends offered their places for several months. Step two, check. After much torment about which opportunity to pursue, I realized that they were all gifts from GOD. "So what about that job, God?" Well, it so happens that I have a pretty good friend in O'Fallon, IL that is the Vice president of the School Board. I called him up asking about available jobs. He said there are 12 teachers aide positions available and to send my resume ASAP and he would try and pull some strings. SOOOO God is working on that third check.
Oh and during all of this, I get a message from my currect supervisor on Friday asking me to call him. He says we need to talk before I come into work on Monday. Immediately I am worried that he has discovered my plans. I call him and to my complete surprise he offers me a PROMOTION! So I tell him my plans and he understands and wishes me the best.
So I knocked on the door and God opened it wide. I am moving Labor Day weekend to O'Fallon, Illinois to live with a couple friends of mine for the fall. Please continue to pray that I keep hearing God's voice clearly, that I give HIM all the credit, and that I keep my eyes focused on his amazing love. Thank you to everyone who offered a room to sleep in. It was a difficult decision and I am blessed that I have such awesome friends to make my decision so difficult :)

Dog Days Of Summer

Well, they say that this is the time of the summer that gets you yearning for that first falling leaf, the cool breezes and the frosty mornings. They call it the Dog Days of Summer. Well, for my parents' dog sophie, she couldn't be happier in the summer. Summer weather means she gets to go swimming.

For those of you that don't know, Sophie used to compete in "Dock Diving". She did a really good job, but is now retired from competing. She would show up to the competitions lying outstretched on the back seat of my parents car. The other dogs would be penned up in their crates, just enough room to bark jealously at sophie as she sauntered by. Sophie loved the events. She used them to socialize with the humans more than the other dogs. Her demeanor was so outgoing and sweet that she would quickly become a crowd favorite. Her best jump was somewhere just under 22 feet. The best jumping dogs, the ones featured on ESPN jump about 25 feet. Anything over 21 feet is considered a "Big Air" dog. So Sophie was among the elite. After several competitions, she decided she enjoyed socializing more than jumping, so she quit. Well, now she jumps for fun at home. Everday after work I change into my swimming suit and go down to the dock and throw a stick for her. We do this for about 30 minutes and it has become a routine that she will not let me forget about. If I want to take a day off, she comes up to me and jumps up on me, nudging me to go out and play. On weekends, when the lake is full of recreational boating traffic, she will regularly attract several boats full of families amazed at her ability. I have attached a movie of her jumping. It's a lot of fun and pretty amazing at the same time

Epiphany!

A few days ago I posted about desire. Today I feel like I am starting to put it all together. I have had some awesome time of reflection the past few days and God has really given me a peace and understanding about our desires. Angie asked me this week after emailing back and forth about desire, what my desires were. This is something I think about on a regular basis, but for some reason this week God really spoke to me through this question. I started thinking about my desires. I want to enjoy nature, I want to work outdoors, I want to be surrounded by friends, grilling out, I want to be 100% physically healthy so I can play and do all the things I want to do, I want to have a family, I want to be a school counselor, helping kids through those difficult times in high school, I want to eat amazing food, I want to have a farm on about 100 acres, with a lake and a tall mountain, I want to travel the world, the list goes on and on. I realized that what I am describing is HEAVEN!!!! With the prompting of various scripture and John Eldredge's book, I realized that if i had all these things, why would I need God? If I had those things, I could be happy here without God!

"God must take away the Heaven we create (or try to create), or it will become our Hell. You may not think your efforts to arrange for a little of what you desire are anything like Heaven on Earth. But some deep and tender part of us gets trapped there in those times and places where we have had a taste of the life we long for (Eldredge, Desire)." God places the desire in our hearts so we have a yearning to seek Him and a yearning for what is beyond this life. Too often we experience little "tastes" of Heaven. That fluttering lightheaded feeling of being in love, the exhilaration of our favorite team winning the World Series, the awe inspiring feeling when sitting on the top of a 10,000 mountain. We all have different experiences that allow us to touch Heaven. God plans for this. Our problem comes when we taste that desire and decide we want that here now and forever in this lifetime. We turn that desire and that experience into an idol and worship it and do everything to achieve it. The problem is that we can't. We can't because that is reserved for ETERNITY.

I know it may seem that I have jumped quite far from my desires and the feeling that God wants us to fulfill those desires, but he does! After realizing that all of the things I was longing for are awaiting me in Heaven, I realize my only desire is to live a life pleasing to the Lord, to stand by Him and keep my focus on Him even when the going gets tough. He has a sanctuary prepared for me. When we desire Him we can look past the winter of our lives and DESIRE the reward of Spring.

"Set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is REVEALED."

1 Peter 1:13

"See! The winter is past; the rains have gone. Flowers appear on the earth; the season of singing has come."

Song of Songs 2:11-12

I have always had a hard time setting my sight on Eternity because my view of Heaven was so whispy... I saw Heaven as a city in the sky.... a place with people dressed in white robes, walking around talking... hanging out.... in the presence of God. It sounded nice, but not exciting enough! I realized that HEAVEN is here. God will renew the Earth and we will experience the place we have lived our lives like we have never seen it before. It will be magnificent and fresh and new. Eldredge quotes Revelation, "Look I am making all things NEW (Rev 21:5) Not I am making all new things."

Finally he really makes me get excited when he suggests that the reason there is reported silence for half an hour of eternity is because we are all quite speechless (Rev 8:1).

There is so much more that can be elaborated on and touched on. Some of these ideas may bounce around too much. But I feel like God has lifted a veil that covered my eyes for so long. I have been stuck in a rut, worshipping my desires. I am ready to worship God, thankful that I get to spend and eternity bbcueing on my ranch with all the people I love.

Our Heart's Desire

I am reading the journey of Desire by John Eldredge. Most women would recognize him from his book Captivating, while most men connect with his book, Wild at Heart. His words have really connected with me.

I go to bed at night with a burning in my heart. I wake up in the morning feeling like there is something more. Like life is meant to be passionate and full of adventure. So often we are told to settle down, to be careful, to watch our step, don’t sit so close to the tv. God created in us a deep desire to live and a deep desire for certain things, this often goes hand in hand with their spiritual gifts. For people who are gifted with counseling, they love to see others heal themselves and grow. For those who are good craftsmen, they love to build. When we dismiss our desire as a “temptation to sin” we suppress God’s call to live a full life.

One of my biggest fears is that my desire will continue to be dismissed as immaturity and unrealistic passion and that I will begin to believe those lies. In all reality, I have already started believing that my desire is something that should be harnessed and kept under wraps. We grow up being told to believe in our dreams, shoot for the stars, love with all our hearts. But then we are told to be realistic, to have a backup plan, to take out insurance policies. We are too worried about living safe, boring, unpassionate lives. This has become such a norm in our society that I feel ashamed to follow my desire. And the older you get, the more you are labeled immature and flakey. Yet at the same time, deep down in everyone’s heart is a longing to be “that guy.” To be the guy that lives a simple yet passionate life, following his heart and not always having a plan. The difference between an immature adult and one seeking the desire that God intended for us is that maturity means putting your faith in God. It means knowing that God takes pleasure in seeing us living passionate lives. It means knowing that his plan is perfect and that he has sent his son to save us when we mess up. It means loving his children. It is extremely hard to follow your heart. Every turn there is someone or something trying to convince you that it is sinful or that you need to grow up. Satan’s influence is strong.

But how do we walk the fine line between following our desires and avoiding sin? Focus on God first and he will provide the desires that we seek. If we focus only on the desires, they become idols rather than the blessings they were meant to be.

When we focus on the desires first, those things become substitutes to make us happy rather than delighting in the God’s grace and forgiveness.

Psalm 37:4
4 Delight yourself in the LORD

and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Psalm 145:16

16 You open your hand and satisfy the desires of every living thing.

I could be completely off base with my interpretation. But as I seek to figure it out, God delights in my struggle to go from crawling to walking to running. He doesn' t laugh when I fall down. He picks me up and says try again. I will try again and again.

My Turn

Well, my sister started it, my mom signed up, so I figure I will give it a try. This is my first blog ever! Exciting, huh!? Well, don't expect too much, but I will try and post on a regular basis. Let me warn you though... be prepared for anything. I called it "Searching For Answers" because so often when you freewrite what is on your mind then leave it sitting for a while, and come back later on, you find that you are much more tuned into life than you sometimes think.

I am also getting in touch with my artsy side by trying to get into photography. I will post some pictures every now and then.